Buried Alive

Hopeless.  A darkness so black, it swallows any light.  A pain that can’t be seen, but threatens to suffocate.  A hatred so deep, it blinds.  

 

Approximately 280 million people in the world have depression. Depression is about 50% more common among women than among men.  More than 700 000 people die due to suicide every year. Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death in 15–29-year-olds (https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/depression#:~:text=An%20estimated%203.8%25%20of%20the,among%20women%20than%20among%20men.)1. Mental illness carries a profound stigma in many societies/cultures, especially in the Christian community and while treatments are more advanced and accessible than ever, many still feel alone and crippled to reach out.

 

Six months ago, I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into a dark, deep hole.  At first, it felt like just a small pothole I’d stumbled in, but soon I was in so deep, I couldn’t see out anymore.  The light became fainter.  It became harder to hear others.  I’d try to climb out, but I’d lose my footing, and when I feel back in, the hole would be deeper.  

 

On the outside I’d put on my best mask and pretend.  Boy, could I put on a show, all while on the inside, I was begging some to truly see me.  To hear the screams coming from the hole.  No one did. Soon I was telling myself no one cared, no one was coming to save me, including God.

 

I’d sit in my car after work on a dead end street and just scream to the top of my lungs.  Where was God?  I’d beg God to take it all away.  I accused God of abandoning me.  I’d cry out to God until I couldn’t anymore.  I’d cry until there were no more tears.  And everyday, the last hope and light would slowly fade away.  

 

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:34.  

 

I made the decision one day that I could no longer face the pain.  The hole was so deep I couldn’t see out anymore. And as ashamed as I am today, I went to that dead end street with the means and intention to take my own life.  

 

Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Matthew 26:38 

 

It can be easy to feel alone, that no one could ever feel what we are going through.  But Jesus, the son of God, the perfect and spotless lamb had those exact same feelings.  You see Jesus knew and still knows the pain we will face.  It’s not a question of if, but when.  In that moment I felt more alone than I’d ever felt.  I believed I was truly alone.  

 

Scripture is full of encouragement during hard times.  There are promises that God makes to us:

 

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

 

Deuteronomy 31:6 

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.

 

Isaiah 41:10 

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 

Psalm 43:5

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

 

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

 

Psalm 121:1-2

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

 

2 Timothy 1:7

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

 

That day, I screamed my children’s names over and over.  I played through my mind their reactions.  I saw them crying at their weddings and children’s births wishing I was there.  I pleaded with God to help me.  

 

And he did.  I drove home that night and hugged my children.  The next day, I took one step up the side of the hole.  I didn’t do it alone, I had to take tangible, real actions, like making appointments with Mental Health Providers, becoming intentional about journaling, praying and reaching out to trusted people for support.  

 

Slowly, but surely, I began to see light peeking over the side of the hole.  I held onto that light and kept going.  Honestly, I’m not all the way out.  I may never be until Heaven comes, but my life has value and I’m not alone.  I am loved and perfectly created.  “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him.”  1 John 3:1

 

I recently began to daily tell myself, I love you, You are beautiful, You are valued, etc.  Every time I do, tears begin to flow.  It’s amazing how I haven’t truly believed those things and it’s hard to hear, even from myself.  I’ve spent so much time punishing myself, that I’ve forgotten God’s greatest gift.  “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

 

My hope is that you know, there is light, even when the darkness threatens to swallow us.  That help is there, not only with God, but professionals God has gifted to help.  I encourage you to seek guidance from your Pastor and your family/friends(if available).  I encourage you that after God, you pursue the most valuable relationship of all, one with yourself.  One of healing, forgiveness and love.  

 

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.  1 Corinthians 13:4-8