Spiritual Abuse

I am no stranger to spiritual abuse or abuse in general. If you read my blog, My Story, you will understand why I am not a stranger to it. I have experienced Spiritual Abuse by family and close friends in my lifetime.

I remember walking into a church meeting for an event. When I walked into the room, I was frustrated. In that meeting, I didn’t say anything because I was upset. The expectation was for us to create something in a quick turnaround. The person leading the meeting stopped the meeting and said, ” I am sensing your frustration.” I expressed we were rushing things and that we shouldn’t do what was requested in such a quick turnaround. The person then said in front of 5 others with anger. ” The spirit is not right in this room. We need to stop the meeting.” If you stopped after reading this and said, “WAIT, this happened in a church meeting?” You are correct! When I heard those words. I immediately shut down. I felt shame, embarrassed, saddened, and misunderstood. Spiritual abuse is a concept that many people do not talk about because of fear, and others do not even know that spiritual abuse exists. Sadly, spiritual abuse does exist. GOOD people that walk into a church and leave quietly for no reason have left the church and their faith because of this problem.

Many people, because of spiritual abuse, question their faith and God. I have met people that have left the church and never returned. I have met people that let go of their faith. I have even met people who left the church and struggle with the wounds of not being able to commit to a church because a pastor, deacon, or a friend that supposedly loved God hurt them in an ungodly way. While I understand that we are not perfect and we ALL fall short, that doesn’t excuse a person from spiritually abusing another for their benefit. I believe that as a church, we need to stand up to this problem.

The reason many avoid this topic is that people are afraid that admitting that there is spiritual abuse in churches will draw people away from God, but I beg to differ. As Christians, God has not called us to focus on numbers but on people. If, as a Christian Culture, we are more focused on numbers than people, then we are not doing what God has called us to do. I believe that as Christians, the most attractive thing about the Christian culture is that we care about others and are authentic. When we let go of our authenticity, we become like the culture that surrounds us. While I do understand that we should not water down the gospel. I believe that we should never preach the word of God for coercion to make people do something for our benefit, and not God’s will.

As Christians, we need to understand the concept of spiritual abuse and ways to help others that have gone through spiritual abuse. Here are ways we can respond well to a person who has been through spiritual abuse. According to Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse: Creating Healthy Christian Cultures.

While leaders try to handle situations of spiritual abuse. Some leaders or people are not equipped with the correct strategies to deal with spiritual abuse. I remember being told, “you should do Matthew 18”. Go to the person and talk about it. After the meeting, I remember clearly the shame and feeling I felt. Even though we did Matthew 18, and the person apologized for their behavior, so did I. The behavior of that person kept happening again and again. In that season, I would find myself threatened on different occasions. When I knew I did nothing wrong in meetings. I would be told things like, “Do I need to get another person in on this meeting?” “Your attitude is not right. I can see it in your face.” ” I know you and how you act.” Whenever I would try to talk about these problems. The excuses would be I am human. I am not perfect. The word of God says that we all fall short. In turn, I was the problem. I was allowed to believe that I was the problem.

Many use Matthew 18 to go to the brother, but people do not read the entire chapter. Part of Matthew 18 says 15“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” 4 As a church, let’s rise to read deeper the word of God. Let’s not rely on just a man to preach the word of God to us. Let’s dig deep into what the word of God says for us.

I believe the chart above provides a great way to help someone who has experienced spiritual abuse. As Christians, we need to be more vocal about spiritual abuse. When we are silent, it allows for spiritual abuse to continue happening. While I have lost friends to the concept of talking about spiritual abuse, I have felt free. You see, God hasn’t called me to comfort. If speaking out about spiritual abuse will draw a lost sheep to come to the feet of Jesus again. I will gladly do it even if I am by myself with just God. I have learned that He is enough.

To the person who has been through spiritual abuse, I want to tell you that you are not alone. What you were discerning was correct. You were not crazy! I also want to encourage you not to give up on God because of a person’s lack of love towards you. God loves you and seeks to be with you. If you are a person who sees people going through spiritual abuse, do not just let it happen. God has given us the power to speak up when we see injustice. God is clear in his word, ” 2 Thou shalt not follow the multitude to do evil; neither shalt thou speak in a cause, following many, to divert judgment.” 5 If you see injustice happening in a meeting like what happened to me, you should speak up about it.

Going through spiritual abuse is not easy, but getting through it is worth it. I am glad I did because today, my testimony will speak to many and draw others toward God.

We have two choices. We let our pain and wounds consume us, or we let it transform who we are for the better. What’s your choice?

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1 Lisa Oakley and Justin Humphreys, Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse Creating Healthy Christian Cultures (La Vergne, UK: SPCK, 2019), 21. 2 Lisa Oakley and Justin Humphreys, Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse Creating Healthy Christian Cultures (La Vergne, UK: SPCK, 2019), 22. 3 Lisa Oakley and Justin Humphreys, Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse Creating Healthy Christian Cultures (La Vergne, UK: SPCK, 2019), 103-104. 4 Mat 18:15-17 5 Exodus 23:2